i am at a loss for words. but i have to say something. but i don't know what. i'm at a loss.
it's not the pain of death... it wasn't a surprise. but you know how even the inevitable will floor you speechless yet still and you keep asking yourself the same questions and maybe even asking God. not to question His authority but to attempt to make any kind of sense of His Will.

i know how to counsel teenage girls with their problems and maybe even their loss. i can give advice to friends. i can donate to the needs of the needy and "fix" the immediate problem. i can even plan an event and see it through to success. but right now i do not know what i'm supposed to say to my own mother.

i remember being 6 and staying with my 할머니 as i always go when i visit korea. my mom's mom. who was the ultimate grandmother. she was the mother of 8 and grandmother of many more. yet had this ability to individualize and care for each one specific to their need.

i remember waking up at 4 in the morning with her once. because she would go every morning up the mountain to get 2 large jugs of fresh spring water. every morning. i only went once because i complained and said i couldn't go. i'd go now. every morning. her diligence was unmatched. maybe part stubbornness as well. going to the bathhouse and getting a terrible scrub down as she commented on how dirty america must be.

i remember her taking mee to get a perm when i was 8 and dragging mee around the market buying mee clothes and other essentials that she was shocked i didn't have.

i remember her cooking. potatoes and egg salad when i was 12 that was "american style" because i was one of the few grandchildren from america and had enough complaints about korea.. watching korean dramas together. and how she taught mee to play gostop.

i remember when i was in korea for a year and then last time i saw her and stayed with her. sleeping together next to her on the floor. i told her her red sweater was beautiful, she said i should have it because she didn't understand why my aunt got it for someone who's who old and going to die soon...i've never worn it but i've always kept it at the bottom of my winter clothing box. maybe i will wear it. but i'll always keep it.

she never complained, never criticised, never had a harsh word. now i realize how precious that is, and how rare that is. gentle. loving. giving. always thinking about the other person. always.

my dad called mee this morning, it's all been a haze. i haven't spoken with my mother yet who opted to go to work anyway. she is so strong. i can't imagine. i'm afraid to call her, i may not be able to hold back the tears that have been flowing on and off this day between sleep and awake and dream. dad was good, he reminded mee that God was the comforter of all comforters. reminded mee that she lived a full life, that she was always giving to others, especially service to her children. that maybe that's where i got it from, it was a nice thought, i wish i could be as generous as she, i still have yet alot to learn about completely unselfish giving.

she never met christ, as far as we can tell. we've always been praying for her and both my parents attempted to share the gospel many times. but she'd just smile and say "you're young, you believe christ and i'll believe my buddha" not that she was v.religious, but she was stubborn. i can only hope that somewhere between God opened her eyes and saved her soul...

**please pray for my family, especially my mom as she travels out to korea to be with her brothers and sisters. they are holding the funeral for her to come. she is the youngest daughter, 막내딸... and yet perhaps the strongest one. i know she's praying to God for this and I know God is going to work through her.

joan*